I have called this article “Personal Attractions (Part 2)” because it accompanies the previous article. This is a complicated and difficult subject, it is therefore necessary to expand our comments and reflections.
If our feelings, thoughts and actions were not affected or conditioned by the incoherent old patterns, inherited or engraved during conception, pregnancy, birth and/or early life experiences, the four steps described in the previous article would suffice for discovering and integrating into our identity the hidden aspects which were activated by resonance through the person for whom we felt attraction.
In practice, it is more complicated. As we are children of a culture which is based on a closed and exclusive mode of a couple (A + B), when one of the couple is attracted to a third person (C), old patterns are almost always aroused. For the person who feels the attraction (let’s say A), this activates their pattern of closure and exclusivity. In other words, it tends to polarize the third person (C) without knowing how to include their partner (B). This attitude obviously awakens and amplifies their partner’s jealousy as they feel excluded. This is a good opportunity to uncover past wounds and work to heal them.
This awakening of conflicting experiences from the past is not negative, since it offers us a golden opportunity to see old patterns, differentiate ourselves from them and separate ourselves from their influence.
This is not a quick or simple task. The accompaniment of someone with appropriate personal and professional preparation will generally be required for this type of specific holistic transformation work.
Attractions should therefore not be repressed, since they provide information that allows us to purify the past and free ourselves from the influence of pathological patterns that interfere with the flow of energy in the present. If we want to take steps forward and stop repeating old conflict patterns and behaviours, we need to welcome the attraction. We also need to welcome everything that the recognition, acceptance and verbal sharing with one’s partner regarding this attraction awakens within us both, if we feel motivated to take advantage of this opportunity to explore past wounds, work to heal them, learn and build knowledge.
This work is difficult. It requires a lot of courage, patience and perseverance from both the people involved and those accompanying them.
There is no doubt that this is a true path of integral growth which heals the wounds of our origin and promotes an authentic holistic transformation. It is also one of the best ways to influence the healing and transformation of wounds contained in our ancestral family inheritance and to prevent them from affecting our children.
To better understand what I am sharing, imagine that your grandfather bought a house, fifteen years ago. The bank lent him the money he needed with a mortgage loan, to be repaid in monthly instalments for twenty years. When your grandfather dies, there are still five years left before the mortgage is paid. Your grandfather leaves you the house as inheritance. To claim it, you have to accept responsibility for the outstanding mortgage until this is settled, even though it was not you who signed the mortgage contract but your grandfather. If you accept the unresolved burden of the mortgage and pay the outstanding five year instalments, you not only release yourself from this burden but also release your grandfather and your children, if they inherit the house, as you will have already paid off the entire mortgage. This sounds straightforward, but now imagine that you do not have enough money to pay the outstanding mortgage… Do you understand the difficulty?
The things that you leave unresolved, as well as those that your ancestors have left unresolved, constitute a weight (karma) for future generations.
From what is stated in this article and in the previous one, we can affirm that the best way to help ourselves, our offspring, and also our ancestors, is to take responsibility for our karma and everything this implies, since this releases the entire lineage, both ascending and descending.
- We should know in depth the conflicts or alterations of our vital content, inherited from our ancestors or engraved at the beginning of our life: during conception, pregnancy, birth and early years of life.
- The experiences that arouse hidden, unconscious conflicts are a golden opportunity given to us by life. We therefore welcome these experiences!
- A very important and essential task is to discern the conflict that was generated in the past, define it as accurately as possible and differentiate it from the current conflict or situation that has awakened it, since the tendency is to mix (project) the conflict of the past into present situations, which causes a confusion between what belongs to the present and what belongs to the past. This discernment is usually a very difficult task. It takes a whole process and adequate professional support to learn how to use “projection” as a tool for discrimination that belongs to the present and to the past.
- Recognize and accept the conflicts awakened as our own, even though they have been transmitted to us though inheritance or the inappropriate behaviours of our parents, and even though no part of the responsibility was ours at the time they were transmitted to us.
- Avoid complaining, and release your ancestors from all responsibility. Understand that they did the best they knew how and could do, given their life circumstances. Nobody is to blame. There is now only one person in charge, and this is you. You have become aware that you have received an energy that needs to be purified so that it can be transformed constructively.
- It is also necessary to avoid projecting into the present with your partner. For example, when a conflict arises that has its root in the past, it is important to differentiate the present situation which has awakened it, from the moment in which the conflict originated, which belongs to the past.
- To be able to heal a wound from the past, which is interfering with the present, it is essential to acknowledge the conflict as your own, and accept the consequences in the “here and now”, the physical, emotional and mental pain… and gradually make peace with these consequences until they lose strength and their influence disappears.
We can conclude by affirming that although we recognise that all of these hidden, unconscious conflicts which are revealed have been transmitted to us by our ancestors, once passed to us they already form part of our identity
This is illustrated through the example of the mortgage. We can never resolve these conflicts by complaining and feeling a victim, or by projecting them onto other people such as our partner, since this relationship is often not the real conflict. What I mean is that whilst it manifests within the couple, the conflict has deeper roots. We can only find a definitive rather than temporary solution if we delve into these roots. If we cut the visible part of a weed it will grow back. It can only be eliminated by being uprooted.
Ramon V. Albareda
Psychologist. Theologian. Sexologist
Founder of ESTEL, Centre for Personal Growth and
School of Integral Studies